Study week...

hmm. where did i stop? ok...here i will give a brief (probably will end up not so short) summary of stuff i have done in this week...

basically the whole week is about study, study and study...preparing myself for my first actuarial professional paper. why do i need to study that hard?? there are a few factors:
a) this exam is yet the most important one in my neverending studying life.
b) only 30% of the candidates can pass this paper.
c) people do not take this exam just because it is fun. they spend 100+ USD for it, thus meaning that they will take it seriously. very seriously. and this is not a good news at all.
d) i did outlandishly bad in my intro to probability class, and this seems pretty much like a precursor to my failing this paper.

hence, despite the odds of me passing the paper, i spend a great portion of my daily time immersing myself in the confusing world of probability, striving hard to understand theories which attempt to systematically explain the chaotic world of randomness. knowing that i have little, or should i say virtually no interest in this field frustrates me the most. how im i going to live my future life dealing with all of these abominable excrement with a stench i abhore so much? (haha, pardon me for my wording. venting my frustration here)

mind over body man. your brain is a powerful tool. these are what i have been using to hypnotize myself. i am currently trying to make myself believe that i love math. actually the fact is, i used to. hmm. maybe the passion is still out there, somewhere in my mind, hiding mischieviously (which i don't find it amusing) in between my greyish folded cerebral mass. all i need to do is to dig the damn passion out. then life will be so much better...

where thou art?? my passion to math??